


Epitaph of a Good Man

by toomanycurls



Series: Remus/Tonks and Wolfstar [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-11 09:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4430426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanycurls/pseuds/toomanycurls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faithful friend, tender lover, avid learner- the epitaph of our hero, Remus John Lupin.  I am sorry to say that I am also the reason he died. Maybe once I leave you my version of events, you’ll spare me some pity or even forgive me for my heinous crime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Crossroads

**Author's Note:**

> Gotta hold on gotta stay strong  
> When the day comes

Faithful friend, tender lover, avid learner- the epitaph of our hero, Remus John Lupin. I was one of the few people to know him in all three ways though it pains me to say that I am also the reason he died. Maybe once I leave you my version of events, you’ll spare me some pity or even forgive me for my heinous crime.

My relationship with Remus started in an unlikely place - the middle of a revolution against Voldemort. I was brought into the Order of the Phoenix by Arthur Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt after overhearing Arthur tell a time for a meeting. Natural curiosity caused me to ask what they were meeting about.  They hesitated bringing me in, but Dumbledore trusted me and remembered me from my school years -he was confident that I would be a great addition to the Order but didn’t really explain what that was. I had a few theories: with Dumbledore being in the news stating that Voldemort returned, it made sense that, if he was recruiting, it was for an anti-Voldemort cause. Despite my theories and guesses, the first meeting was quite a surprise.

Kingsley brought me to my first meeting at number 12 Grimmauld Place. On our way there Kingsley explained that everyone at the meeting supported Dumbledore and by extension Harry Potter who had been ridiculed in the news lately. Before he opened the door, Kingsley said, “Sirius Black will be inside this house. He is no more a criminal than you or me.” I only had a few moment to digest this bit of news before I was ushered inside a very gothic looking entryway and down to a basement level kitchen where people were gathering for the meeting. Kingsley started to introduce me to the crowd as everyone was getting seated.

I hadn’t met such a strange group of people. Molly and Arthur Weasley greeted me kindly as I had I met previously and their son Bill hugged me as I walked towards my seat.  I knew him quite well through school and my relationship with Charlie.  I also knew Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall as professors from Hogwarts – they both greeted me cordially. A grubby man called Mundungus, who I recalled knowing through reputation as a crook, greeted me blearily. Mad-Eye Moody, who I knew from the Ministry before his retirement more than a year previous, said a gruff hello. I went through my first years as a trainee with him as my mentor – his presence with the mismatched group of people solidified for me that this was a good idea, something I had been questioning since walking in the door.

Then I got to Sirius, a distant relation who I knew from his wanted posters and criminal file. He wore a smile that resembled the one I knew from my mother’s face. Sirius greeted me as if he had been planning to meet for years and just had the chance. I greeted him with some apprehension and had to remind myself that everyone here trusted him. To Sirius’ left sat Remus Lupin.

Most women writing about a lover they recently lost would say something about “having _that_ feeling” about him at their first meeting. I won’t say that - it wasn’t true. He looked nervous and somewhat awkward, not the usual winning characteristics I go for.

Through the meeting, I was eager to hear what was going on and it showed. Where most of the Order members were at their ease, comfortably positioned in their chairs and abreast of the foundational information being shared, I leant forward from the edge of my seat to have a view of the entire table. I caught a bemused look on Remus’ face, almost as if he hadn’t seen a young woman in quite a while and with the crowd he ran around with, I could see how that would happen.

That night they were planning a trip to Little Whinging to extract Harry Potter as he had evidentially performed illegal magic and was in danger of being expelled. Moody was standing at the end of the table and used a bare wall as an easel for his diagrams and figures. The meeting reminded me of an Auror task force deployment. I caught myself wondering if Moody was still following standard Auror practices out of habit or if he established the standard.

“If he was attacked by dementors, they can’t expel him, can they?” I chipped in, interrupting the discussion with my question.

Several members shot me impatient looks but it was Molly who answered, “We, well Dumbledore, feel that the Ministry will try to say that there were not any dementors there that night. We have of course discussed all of the possibilities for the hearing.”

Sirius cut over Molly to add, “Our immediate concern is getting Harry away from the Durselys before he does something rash, again.”

I smiled quickly and gave nod to show that I understood. The group didn’t seem too keen on giving people catch-up information. I was intent on finding a remedy to my bungled first statement and contribute to the discussion. From what Minerva said about the Dursley family, they were horrible, greedy, and arrogant which inspired a ploy to get them out of the house when we needed to get to Harry. “I’ll lure them out with a letter saying they’ve won a city-wide contest for best-kept lawns,” I shot off, inadvertently cutting off Remus. The rest of the Order seemed mildly impressed with the lie I invented; there was a slight mummer around the circle. Remus coughed quietly.

“Now that we have bait, we need a group to go to the house and guard Harry in his trip back to Grimmauld Place.” Most of the group raised their hands, including me. I was eager to meet Harry and get my feet wet with the Order.

When the meeting adjourned for the evening, Sirius invited me to stay for some drinks which I eagerly accepted so I could probe him for some knowledge about the Order. Mad-Eye and Remus also hung back for a while. I chatted with Mad-Eye for a while, catching up on the Auror department since he left. After a short while Moody looked at his watch and got up to leave. “I have guard duty,” he grunted and turned to go.

“Guard duty?” I asked. “What are you guarding?” Moody paused a moment, his back to me; probably glaring at me with is magical eye. ‘Potter’ was all the answer I received before he left.

A few moments after Moody left the kitchen two boys, identical twins, meandered into the large room. They noticed me right away mainly because I was an unknown Order member and I changed my hair from pink to purple. I had been contemplating it for quite some time.

 “Woah,”one said.

“Wicked, said the other.

Then they both asked, “Who are you?”

Remus answered for me, “This is Nymphadora Tonks, a new member of the Order.” I gave Remus a contemptuous look.

“Call me Tonks,” I said firmly. “I’m a metamorphmagus.” I relished my ability to change shape and physical appearance. More than a great party trick, it helped tons with my Auror training.

“We’re Fred and George Weasley,” said the one I took to be Fred. I saw him tucking something flesh-like into his pocket. “I see we missed the meeting,” he noted looking around the room.

Sirius answered this time, “Yes and your parents went upstairs. Apparated down, did you?”

The twins, who looked a bit like Charlie, grinned. “We thought we’d pick up some information.” George pulled a similar flesh-like string out of his pocket. “Extendable Ears. Fred and I invented them.” I took it and put it up to my ear, the opposite end crept towards Remus and Sirius who were chuckling. “They will move towards the loudest sound in the vicinity.” George lowered his voice and said, “We’ve been learning about the Order all summer.”

Remus and Sirius exchanged looks that indicated this wasn’t entirely new information. A shrill voice rang across the room. “You've been doing _what_ all summer?” Molly Weasley had her hands on her hips and look of utmost rage etched on her face. She stormed over to her twins. “ _Accio!_ ” she yelled reaching out her hand, easily catching the Extendible Ears. Without another word, she stormed out of the kitchen, apparently headed upstairs.

The twins had a look of terror on their faces. “Our stash,” was all Fred said before he disappeared, shortly followed by George.

I gave Sirius a wry smile. “Things stay interesting around here I see. Her shouting makes your mum sound like a soft whisperer,” I said smirking. I managed to set off the hideous painting of Aunt Walburga on my way in that evening. It screamed and cursed at me for my mum’s marriage to a muggle-born wizard. I felt slightly bitter that my parent’s actions weighed so heavily on how ‘family’ treated me. Sirius seemed to be an exception, he and Mum apparently got along well when they were kids.

“How’s your hand, Sirius?” Remus asked, breaking me out of my reverie. I glanced over and saw Sirius dipping a cloth in a bowl of dark yellow liquid.

“Better than it was. I can’t say I blame Harry; I knew something like this would happen,” Sirius said flexing his hand with a grimace on his face. I could see where Sirius and Mum had similar features, both had dark hair, similar scowls, and a slight air of superiority.

“What happened to your hand?” I asked, my nose crinkling a little at the smell. “And what is that you’re using for it?”

“It’s essence of murtlap, helps for cuts and bruises,” Remus answered. I gave him a slightly puzzled look as he answered for Sirius and vice versa as if they were a couple married some 20 years. “Harry sent his owl after the dementor attack and he wanted answers. She attacked Sirius, Ron, and Hermione,” Remus continued, interpreting my look of confusion to be about the cuts, not his behavior.

Three more kids came into the room then. Two of them wearing bandages on their hands. “So, you’re Ron and Hermione?” I asked with a smile.

“Who the ruddy hell are you?” Ron asked, pulling out a chair and plopping down.

Hermione shot him an impatient look. “It’s a little obvious, Ron. Fred said there was a new Order member down here,” Hermione said huffily, causing me to wonder if she was always so imperious with him.

“I’m Tonks. As you’ve heard, I’m new,” I told them as I  changed my nose to be the same as Ron’s nose, long and heavily freckled.

The other girl giggled. “I’m Ginny,” she said grinning still. “How did you do that?”

“She’s a metamorphmagus!” Hermione blurted out excitedly. “Professor McGonagall has mentioned them in class before.”

Ron, who was still scowling about being reprimanded earlier ventured aloud, “…so, you can change your appearance?” Nodding, I glanced over to Remus and Sirius; they were both smirking a little. “Do another nose,” Ron asked with a slightly demanding tone.

I thought about it and made my nose into a wide and ugly nose, then, I did Dumbledore. Sirius interrupted my show with a question. “What’s your mum doing upstairs?” He glanced up to the ceiling, which was lightly showering everyone with dust from the movement and other commotion.

“I think she’s gathering up Fred and George’s snack boxes and, uh other things,” Ginny explained with a significant glance at Ron and Hermione. We soon heard Mrs. Weasley heading down the stairs followed closely by her two shouting sons.

“It's our stuff. We invented them!” George said angrily, looking as if he’d like to jinx his mother.

Molly threw the box into the fire and the extendible ears wiggled and writhed like worms trying to avoid a certain death.

“Bed. All of you,” she said in a voice of forced calm. Fred and George looked as if they had something to say, it sounded like ‘of age’ but I couldn’t quite tell. “I don’t care if you are of age; get yourself up to your room!” They left with a crack, leaving Hermione, Ginny, and Ron who followed quietly. Molly sat down, tiredly rubbing a spot on her temple.

“Cup of tea, Molly?” I asked looking around to found the stove. There was a kettle which looked relatively clean compared to the rest of the kitchen.  I bit my lip and tried to remember the incantation for hot water. I was horrible at domestic spells. I muttered what sounded like the right spell and the kettle shot off the stove. Remus got up, grabbing the tea kettle on his way, and stood next to me at the stove.

“Don’t do much cooking?” he asked quietly, a slight smile playing on his face. Before I could answer, Remus tapped the kettle with his wand and the kettle whistled. Apparently, he had mastered household-ish spells. I took the kettle and said a quiet smile to show my gratitude before pouring Molly a hot cup of tea. Molly took it with a weary look but seemed to appreciate the gesture nonetheless.

“Where’s Arthur?” I asked just noticing his absence. Molly sipped her tea for a moment, apparently debating on what to say.

“He’s on guard duty,” she said quietly. Then she got up as if an idea had just occurred to her, pointed her want to the door, and muttered an incantation. “Now they won’t be able to listen.” She saw my look of slight confusion and said, “I put an imperturbable charm on the door. I don’t think those ears could make it through.” I was surprised by her cunning; she was made of tougher stuff than she appeared. “Yes, Arthur is on guard duty, at the Ministry.”

“Is Harry at the Ministry?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. It seemed a bit daft to have two accomplished wizards guarding the same boy.

“There are two guards,” Sirius said, shifting in his seat. “They are not guarding the same thing.” I looked towards the other two for more explanation.

Remus leaned forward slightly, adding, “It’s in the Department of Mysteries. We’re not quite sure what _it_ is, but Dumbledore said that if Voldemort,” I flinched slightly, “obtains it we’ll be lost.”

Molly went to bed soon after that and I stayed around for a bit longer talking with Remus and Sirius. Sirius was lively in a way that told me he had been lonely for quite a long time. Remus was rather quiet throughout the evening. He seemed very introspective rather than outgoing. It was after midnight when I decided to go home as I did have to work in the morning and needed to write a letter to the Dursleys.

Remus offered to walk me to the door, explaining that he didn’t want me to run into Kreacher, the basket-case of a house elf that lived there. I managed to trip over an umbrella stand, for the second of many times, but Remus caught me before I fell. I looked up into his face giving him a dopey smile which returned before helping me up and stunning the portrait. If it hadn’t been for the screaming issuing from the portrait, it would have been a nice moment to kiss. Sirius came bolting out of the kitchen, looked around, and shot Remus a quizzical look. Remus let go of me as if he were embarrassed to be holding a woman.

I smiled at the both of them and left before I could cause more mayhem. I spent a good deal of the night awake in bed thinking of that night’s events. It was a lot of information to take in and there were a lot of new people to get to know. I have to admit that Remus didn’t strike me as a very intriguing person, though our moment by the portrait did make its way into my thoughts that night before I dozed off.

A/N: This is being written as of July, 2015. Many of the edits were helped along by DumbledoresArmyOfOne. The title and summary is from The Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony. If you haven’t reviewed this before, I’d love your feedback and thoughts.


	2. Dancing with Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well there's nothing to lose  
> And there's nothing to prove  
> I'll be dancing with myself

I went to Grimmauld Place right after work the next day as it really was a hub of action and planning. We had to work out the finer details of Harry’s extraction the night after next. Molly sent a message with Arthur to work for me to dine with the family - it was nice to be included. She seemed to have warmed up to me after the tea the previous night, though she didn’t quite warm up to my helping her in the kitchen.

My trip near the stairs caused my aunt’s portrait to go off again - she was screaming and cursing at us as usual. I landed flat on my back, clutching the hideous umbrella stand. When I opened my eyes, Remus was looking down at me.

“If you like it so much, I’m sure Sirius will let you have it,” he said smiling. Remus’ calmness amid the shrieking portrait had a soothing effect on me. Everyone else in the house seemed to tense up when the yelling started but he leaned down, took the umbrella stand out of my arms, and offered me a hand. Once on my feet I thanked him, blushing slightly, then after checking my hair in a mirror I retreated downstairs with the others.

Molly wanted help with supper, saying dinner wouldn’t happen if one person had to bear to the brunt of the work. She accepted my offer to help with a slight look of apprehension on her kind face. I started to pour butterbeer for the eleven of us. The feeling of accomplishment at successfully pitching-in was diminished as quickly as soon as first glass fell over, spilling butterbeer and causing a domino-style crash of the glasses.

Grabbing my wand, I vanished the wasted drinks then conjured more butterbeer, allowing Ginny to pour them. Feeling a bit sheepish, I looked around and saw that Remus’ shoe seemed to squelch from being wet and an orange cat lapped some of the butterbeer from the floor. Hermione picked it up and said, “That’s not for you Crookshanks,” before shooing him out of the kitchen. Fred congratulated me on making a bigger mess than Ron, who spilled a container of noodles everywhere. George whispered something to Ginny that sounded like _‘domestically challenged’_.

I sighed and changed my hair color to the vivid red of the Weasleys, smirking slightly at the look on their faces. Deficient though I was at being useful around the house, I could at least amuse myself and laugh at my follies. Hermione laughed, and so did the others. “Can you do noses like last night?” she asked eagerly as we sat down to eat. I nodded and thought of which noses to do first.

I started a large protruding nose that resembled that of Snape which caused Ron to snort derisively. Then I tried a tiny nose about the size of a bottle cap at the tip followed by a grotesquely large and gnarly nose muggles would call a witch’s nose. Out of creative noses, I did everyone’s in the room. By the time I was done, we were halfway through dinner when I did a pig snout to imitate Ron eating - it was a hoot.

After an enjoyable dinner, other Order members began to enter the dank kitchen. Dung came in, stench and all, followed at a distance by McGonagall. Molly swiftly ushered her kids and Hermione out of the room and stood out in the hallway, most likely to block them from eavesdropping again.

Moody called the meeting to order once we had all arrived. He was shooting me an occasional puzzled look with his normal eye as were a few other people. Remus put his hand on my knee, leaned in, and whispered, “Your nose.”

I felt it and let out a quiet gasp. My nose was as scarred and broken looking like Moody’s. I dropped my quill and changed it back to normal while I was bending down to pick it up. At the point where Moody said, “Assuming that Tonks did her job,” I sat up abruptly and blinked at the many eyes focused on me.

A few pregnant moments passed before I recalled what he meant and said, “My job? Yes! I did. I made a copy of it too.” I brandished an official looking letter. “I also sent one to some neighbors of the Dursleys, in case they check around.” My nerves ran high as I looked to the group for approval which came in the form of a few nods and shrugs, including a slightly appeased look from Moody.  I grinned at the room but no one returned my giddiness.

Moody had extensive plans for going to the house which included staggered apparition at a nearby park,   escape routes, and back-up escape routes. Once we entered the house there was debate on how to approach Harry. We couldn’t send him a letter to announce our plan as it could be intercepted or just not arrive. Dedalus Diggle suggested that we merely go in and work out what to do from there. That idea wouldn’t do for a leader as regimented as Moody. Elphias Doge suggested that Remus go up to Harry’s room and fetch him but Moody didn’t quite like that idea either. We settled on summoning him down to the living room and Remus, because he knew Harry the best, would explain the plan to him.

After coming reaching our decision, Moody delved into his explanation of our departure from Privet Drive. Molly would send when the skies were free and another one 15 minutes later when we were to takeoff. Our route back was planned to be more complex than our trip there. I was chosen to lead and carry Harry’s trunk under my broom as I had a harness that would work nicely. Kingsley looked as if he wanted to inquire as to the purpose of having a harness that size but I wasn’t keen on telling him I had once helped smuggle a dragon out of Hogwarts, so I was glad that Moody moved right into the complicated flight pattern. It sounded like we’d fly looking like a model of an atom that I once saw in a science book from my dad’s youth. We finished the plans in another half hour of combing through agonizing detail. I knew I couldn’t stay as late that night.

Yawning, I said that Scrimgeour might notice if I was dead-on-my-feet two days in a row. My departure seemed to be the signal that it was polite to leave without rushing out. Moody also said he had to go to think-over our plans. He told the group to keep the next evening open as we walked out of the basement kitchen.

Feeling curious about what else could be added to our complicated plan, I asked how he was going to revamp our plans. He gruffly replied that they needed fine-tuning but he had duty that night and would probably have a hard time getting it finished. We made it to the door and I realized that I didn’t knock over the troll-leg-of-death that seemed to have a permanent appointment with my foot. It was nice to walk with a guy that didn’t cause my feet to spaz out.

We walked down the street a ways to a spot at a nearby park where Dumbledore said it was best to use for apparition. Moody and I chitchatted about the Order, the Auror office, Harry, and retirement for an Auror. Almost to the park, I tripped over a loose brick. Moody extended a hand and helped me up.

“I still can’t believe you passed your Auror qualifications,” he stated gruffly. I glanced at him and saw the remnants of a smile on his face. He was teasing with me, which I didn’t think was in his repertoire.

“Oh bugger off, you old cod,” I said laughing. Moody let out what must have been his version of a laugh. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I grinned at him before disapparating home.

The next day was just as interesting as the previous with the added bonus of an excited tension growing in my chest. After accidentally running into Scrimgeour twice, I settled into my desk to wait for the Dursleys to call and they confirm their attendance at the Lawn Ceremony. Sure enough, they called. “Best Kept Lawns Society,” I answered cheerily.

A pompous voice responded on the other side of the line. “Yes, this is Vernon Dursley, I-”

“Oh yes! Mr. Dursley,” I said with uncommon girlish excitement. “How can I help you?”

Dursley’s voice changed into an equally cheerful tone as he said, “I’d like to confirm attendance for Petunia, Dudley Dursley and myself.” He added in a confident voice, “We’ve been short-listed.”

I rolled my eyes and continued with this sycophantic conversation. “Yes, of course. Your yard is one of the best ones we’ve had in a while… not that I can say that ‘officially’," I laughed airily. "You’ll be dining near the stage with our other honored guests.”

Dursley rambled on for another five minutes and grilled me about his neighbors, trying to check that they weren’t invited. I assured him that the only people in the vicinity that got an invitation were people who had impeccable lawns, and his neighbors did not meet the requirements.

I went on a bit of a walk after the phone call feeling the need to unwind - that muggle was in a league of his own. Lost in my thoughts, I bumped into Arthur Weasley.

“You alright?” he asked perfunctorily.

“I would be if you’d watch where you’re going,” I responded coolly, giving a slight smile as I walked past.

Kingsley had explained to me that we were to treat other members of the Order with whom we don’t have usual interaction with polite indifference. Otherwise, people would inquire about non-related people gathering together. It all felt a bit cloak-and-dagger to me but I enjoyed playing along.

That night’s meeting wasn’t as arduous as before. Moody seemed less determined to unify everyone’s plan as he had a hard time competing with the chatter about meeting Harry. Bill Weasley chatted animatedly about Harry’s performance throughout the Triwizard Tournament.  I was seated between Bill and Emmeline Vance, who didn’t seem to think tonight’s meeting worthwhile. She and Moody were talking about the previous Order and its members. As the night wound down I chatted with Bill at length about school in our days. He was a few years older than I was and we knew a lot of the same people. I couldn’t help but notice Molly giving us furtive looks while talking with Kingsley.

Slowly, the group dissipated. Moody lingered at the door with his gaze on me for a few extra seconds before he left. Bill soon departed as he had work in the morning. I started chatting with Remus and Sirius about Harry, intent on getting inside information on our target. Listening to both of them talk was entertaining – I could tell they respected Potter and quite obviously loved him.

Both gushed over him like parents gush over newborn babies which was quite charming. I was starting to get a sense of Remus’ humility and humor through the way he described teaching at Hogwarts. Remus taught Harry to cast a patronus charm, which was an impressive task for them to undertake as student _and_ teacher.

“They didn’t really _teach_ us the patronus in school,” I commented after Remus’ explained Harry finally mastering the spell. “I’m not sure the Defense professor knew much about them, honestly.”

“Not too many people actually _want_ to research what feeds and repels dementors,” Remus admitted.

Sirius cut in with, “It helps if one’s father was the leading expert on non-human spirituous beings.”

Smiling demurely, Remus nodded his head in agreement. “That does tend to give one a leg up in the field.” 

“My father’s expertise in muggle rock-n-roll never really helped with my studies,” I laughed.

Midnight had come and gone before I felt my eyelids get heavy with sleep. After a spectacular yawn, I announced it was time for me to leave.  Sirius mangled what he thought would be a covert kick under the table, the loud thud was somewhat of a giveaway, Remus asked if I wanted company out.

I accepted his offer with a smirk at Sirius’ antics. Much to my surprise, I made it past the umbrella stand without tripping which Remus also seemed to notice and opened his mouth to comment on that fact when I tripped over Crookshanks instead. The cat ran towards a corner and hissed at me, eliciting a laugh from Remus and me.

“If it’s not the troll leg, I guess it’s something else,” I said in a voice that masked my embarrassment.

When we got to the door, I asked if he wanted to go with me to the corner. Remus agreed, grabbing his red knitted sweater and pulling it on which caused his hair to ruffle. “Knit that one yourself?” I inquired him as we set off - he did seem awfully domestic.

Remus looked at his sweater critically. “Are the sleeves uneven or something?” he wondered dryly. I threw him a sideways glance taking in the traces of a smile on his face. “I did make it,” he added with a touch of pride in his voice.

“I thought so,” I said with bravado. “Part of my Auror training was in detecting handmade sweaters and their Dark counterparts.” I chuckled quietly then stopped as it bothered me to laugh at my own jokes.

Remus played along. “Dark sweaters?” he asked with a note of interest in his voice. “Like those ones that come out around Christmas?”

I snorted, “Yes!” louder than I meant to. We fell into silence for a few minutes before I asked, “Do you think it’ll really be dangerous tomorrow? Or is Mad-Eye being Mad-Eye?” I stopped walking and faced Remus.

He looked around pensively as if there’d be an answer on one of the old brick buildings nearby. Remus always seemed to have a ‘thinking action’ when he didn’t want to answer someone right away. “There could be,” he finally said but then added, “With some luck we’ll get through it without issue.”

I raised an eyebrow. “All that planning and we’re relying on luck?” I shot Remus a grin which he returned.

“Well, luck and some highly trained witches and wizards,” he corrected himself looking around the park which was all but deserted.

“Hmm,” I murmured, fidgeting for a few moments before adding, “In that case…”

Without a thought to whether it would be desired or awkward afterwards, I put my hands on the back of Remus’ neck, pulled him close gave him a tender kiss on the lips. His hand, which seemed to be somewhat lost, found its way to my waist. I pulled away smiling after what had been, for me at least, a few delectable moments.

“That should take care of the luck part,” I said stepping backwards, thankful that the dark covered my flushed cheeks. Deciding not to allow for explanation or a redo, I disapparated, leaving Remus alone with a mildly bewildered expression.

I was so shocked by my behavior that I missed my flat by a few blocks and popped into the flat of a couple in the midst of… recreational activities. I ran out and re-disapparated, this time making it home. I hugged my pillow in bed that night losing quite a few hours of sleep analyzing my interlude with Remus and chastising myself for acting so impetuously.

With a groan, I realized that Sirius would probably find out about my spur of the moment kiss. I was sure he’d take the mickey out of me the next day.  Even worse was that I didn’t know what Remus thought of the kiss. It seemed to catch him by surprise as much as it did me. I decided the whole kissing business had been fun and as much an act of loneliness as carefree flirtation. It certainly didn’t seem like much would come of it.

 

A/N:

Updated July, 2015! I had a lot of help with editing from DumbledoresArmyOfOne on this. The chapter title and summary are from Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol.


	3. How Soon is Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am human and I need to be loved

I met the big day with apprehension, feeling preoccupied with extracting Harry from his relatives, the meeting (which was supposed to be fairly significant), and seeing Remus. It was hard to shake frustration with myself for the kiss and developing a crush on him. The Order wasn’t a place to fish for men, or that’s what I kept telling myself. I arrived at Grimmauld Place a bit after work, carrying my broom secured in a guitar case which seemed was a clever disguise. When I entered the house, I got a rush of butterflies in my stomach. It was a place of fun and excitement in spite of its gloomy décor.

I passed Ginny who was sitting on the staircase looking rather sullen. “Wotcher, Ginny,” I said cheerily.

"Hi Tonks,” she said in a gloomy voice.

“You okay?” I asked sitting next to her on the stairs.

“I can’t get the extendable ears into the kitchen,” Ginny said with a touch of frustration.

“Ah, yeah, Molly makes it Imperturbable,” I said remembering her trips to the entry way to secure our meetings. I glanced at Ginny, she was evidently tired of being out of the loop. “You know… if you toss something at the doorway and it bounces off, you’ll know it’s Imperturbable.”

Ginny smiled at me, “Thanks, Tonks. I’ll give it a try tonight.”

I grinned back. “Well, don’t tell your mum I told you how to check.  It’s supposed to be an important meeting so she’ll be on guard for any snooping.”

“Good luck getting Harry tonight,” Ginny said before heading up the stairs. I laughed, thinking of my own good luck charm, and said thanks before heading down to the kitchen excited for the night’s business. I kept running through all the scenarios of how Remus could act around me today, hoping he’d be the same, sweet guy he usually was. I held my breath a bit as I walked in the door.

As walked into the kitchen where a small coterie there already. I managed to elicit quite a few quizzical looks upon my arrival. At first, I felt slightly mortified, thinking they _all_ knew about the previous night. Then I remembered that my broomstick was in its guitar case, which was slung over my shoulder.

“Going to a peace rally?” Sirius asked sardonically eyeing my hair and guitar case.

I rolled my eyes, set down my guitar case, and opened it so they couldn’t see its contents. Then I pulled out my broom with a grin and said, “I got this guitar case at a Weird Sisters concert. They wouldn’t give me the guitar though.”

After adding my broom to the others to be used that evening, I brought the case to a closet upstairs where I checked my hair. It looked alright for violet though it wasn’t exactly my color. Molly was going to send them to Privet Drive after we arrived.

I looked around at the group there and felt knot building in my stomach. From what I could tell, Sirius wasn’t acting any more immature than usual, so it seemed that Remus wasn’t a tell-all or a tell-anything for that matter. Moody was there checking the clock every few minutes. I smiled at him and he grunted back, not willing to spare time for the niceties. I knew that was his way of saying hello. Sturgis was seated next to Moody talking in low whispers about duty.

I squeezed between Sirius and Moody despite there being more space close to Remus. I didn’t want an awkward moment between Remus and me after last night. Sturgis got up to go right as the rest of the Guard walked in – he was to go to Privet Drive and signal when we could make our appearance.

Everyone sat in excited anticipation when Moody announced that we needed to go and head to our apparation point. As we headed upstairs, Ron and Hermione waved us off. Ginny was a few steps above them with Fred and George even further up. As I was walking by the umbrella stand, I almost walked into it until Moody grabbed my arm and yanked me ahead. I waved merrily to the kids and flung my hand into Emmeline Vance’s shoulder.

I saw Remus smirking at me from behind. “Something amusing you, Remus?” I asked as we waited by the door for Moody to use the put-outer.

He shook his head. “No, nothing’s amusing me Nympha-”

“It’s Tonks,” I cut across him. Remus rolled his eyes slightly but was still smiling. I eased up a bit. “Well, with a smirk like that I thought perhaps you just got shagged or won the lottery. Seeing as Sirius didn’t look nearly as content as you do, I’m guessing it’s the lottery,” I said in a whisper.

Remus didn’t respond but there was a twinkle in his eyes that denoted suppressed laughter. The rest of the Guard was chatting in an excited whisper masking Remus’ and my exchange. Moody busy was watching the sky for a signal that the coast was clear.

When we got the go-ahead, we apparated 30 seconds apart. Moody went first and Remus went last. When I arrived with a slight crack, Moody was finishing up with the put-outer. I went up to the door and unlocked it with a quiet _alohomora_ , entering the kitchen. Dedalus Diggle walked into me and I stumbled forward and knocked a decorative plate off the wall.

“Watch it!” Emmeline Vance hissed.

“I _am_ watching it,” I whispered back before waving my wand and repaired the plate. I looked at it and cringed. “It was better broken,” I laughed. The rest of the Guard walked in and looked around as if hoping for further instruction. We hadn’t agreed on who should go get Harry.

“Remus, go up and get him,” Sturgis said brusquely.

Remus looked flustered by our oversight in the plan. “I’ll go,” he said decisively.

Moody put a hand up to stop Remus from ascending the stairs. “No need, Potter’s coming.”

We all gathered near the bottom of the stairs staring towards the top expectantly. There was a slight buzz of conversation when Harry appeared looking disheveled but lively. He had his wand out and was pointing it in our general direction.

Harry was greeted by an impatient admonition from Moody, which made Harry seem uncomfortable. I could understand his apprehension as he had only known an imposter. Remus cut into their awkward dialogue and was able to gain Harry’s trust by his merely presence.

Listening to Remus address Harry with love and concern and fact that Harry called him _Professor_ caused my mind to wander momentarily. It was certainly a fitting title and I could easily imagine Remus sitting behind a desk reading over an essay or giving a lecture on proper tea brewing - It sounded sexy.

Coming to my senses, I asked why we were all lurking in the dark and lit my wand, illuminating the area. Remus was beaming up at Harry.

“Ooooh, he looks just like I thought he would*,” I said, sounding more excited than I meant.

This caused our previously focused guard to break into commentary about Harry’s appearance. Kingsley, who either knew James or had seen enough photos to know how much Harry resembled his father except for his eyes.

Then Moody brought us back to our task by questioning whether he were really talking to Harry. It seemed like a fitting question given his recent experience with stand-ins.  Moody asked if anyone happened to bring veritaserum and I rolled my eyes - of course no one had veritaserum. Who has that handy in their pocket?

Luckily, Remus was able to confirm Harry’s identity by asking what shape his patronus took. It fit that he would know that as he taught Harry how to cast that tricky charm. The tension diffused between Harry and the Guard until Harry used his back pocket for wand storage. Moody, a stickler for wand safety, reprimanded the teen for using his back pocket as it was a risk for the loss of a buttocks.

I couldn’t resist asking who Moody he knew that lost a buttocks and eyed Mad-Eye’s backside out of sheer curiosity. Moody rebuffed my question with his terse gruffness which made me smirk and roll my eyes. My reaction did not go unnoticed as a terse response came from the kitchen, causing me to grin for a moment longer.

Remus and Harry were talking quietly when I heard Harry express our luck that the Dursleys were out. I let out a sharp laugh and explained the lawn context ruse. Harry seemed amused by the idea of them being tricked. I couldn’t help but notice Harry giving Moody an uncomfortable look which Remus took note of as well.

Remus, who seemed to have a great deal of paternal care for Harry, assured him that we were with the real Moody. Then, he seemed to recall that Harry didn’t know most of the Guard. To my aggravation, Remus introduced me as _Nymphadora_. I corrected with a short, “It’s Tonks.”

Giving me a look, Remus continued undeterred, “—Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be known by her surname only,” he finished, suppressing a shy grin. * Remus moved on to the rest of the group. Harry nodded to each as their name was called. I continued looking around noting the differences in this house and my muggle-grandparent’s house.

Harry made an inquiry about what Voldemort was planning which caused an uncomfortable shudder to circle the room. Moody cut Harry off and insisted that we’d fill him in later. While Moody was talking, his magical eye became stuck which seemed to be a frequent occurrence since his eye was worn by another for so long. Seeing Moody pop his magical eye out made my stomach squirm. The eye itself didn’t bother me but seeing his empty socket was quite disgusting. Feeling that honesty is important, I let Moody know but he was unconcerned by my opinion but asked for water to put his eye in.

Remus asked Harry to go pack his belongings and I offered to help as a way to be more useful. Harry’s messy room was a nice contrast to the rest of the house. Walking past the wardrobe I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Purple was _not_ doing me any favors that night.

Harry looked up from the things he had in his hands as I asked his opinion. I only got a noncommittal response. Deciding it did make me look somewhat ill, I twisted my face in concentration and changed my hair back to pink. What had been awkward indifference from Harry turned into interest and curiosity. Neither of us made progress on packing while I chatted with Harry about being a metamorphmagus. After a few minutes of no progress I realized I had been holding the same three items and most of the contents of Harry’s room were still scattered.

We both looked around guiltily. Harry grabbed some more books and tossed them into his trunk. I tried my hand at a packing charm, causing his things flew pell-mell into the trunk. I had a go at cleaning his owl’s cage, but only managed to get some of it gone. We made our way down stairs. I couldn’t help but admire Harry’s broomstick as I wanted a Firebolt but I couldn’t afford one on an Auror’s salary.

As we descended the stairs, Remus looked up at us let out a quick, “excellent”. My heart fluttered until my brain registered that the excellent was for Harry, not me. I carried the trunk Harry and Remus, who were conversing about our plan to leave and waited by the door for us to leave.

Once we were all out on the grass Moody started explaining the flight formation to Harry. Molly had sent our brooms and Sturgis was handing them out. Moody made it sound like we were going to be attacked mid-flight and idea that made him sound somewhat excited.

“Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye he’ll think we’re not taking this seriously,” *I said fixing Harry’s trunk to my broom. After a few moments squabbling, we took off. I had a fairly easy job, flying in the lead and following the directions Moody shouted over the turbulent wind. After a while, and several strange turns, Moody was starting to get ridiculous with his bearings. Thank goodness Remus was there to mediate. Right when Moody was to have us go an extra 20 miles out of the way, Remus called for us to descend.

After landing, Moody fiddled with the put-outer and I struggled with Harry’s trunk until Remus came by to help me carry it in. We seemed to come right before the meeting. Molly was near the door waiting, quite ecstatic to see Harry. She conducted Harry and his trunk upstairs to where Hermione and Ron were. Before they got too far up the stairs I tripped over that blasted umbrella stand. I was talking to Remus and was looking at him, not the path. After some chaos Sirius came up and helped us subdue the paintings, allowing us to continue downstairs once the shrieking painting was subdued.

The room seemed extremely full but I managed to find a seat by Bill. When Sirius passed by me he commented on how I change my hair more often than some people in the room, he looked pointedly at Snape, change their underwear. I laughed loudly then stopped, not wanting to seem even more juvenile compared to everyone else. Snape sneered at me though I doubted he knew he had been at the receiving end of the joke.

It was during this meeting that Snape divulged that Voldemort was seeking a prophecy from the Department of Mysteries. He thought it contained information that would be useful to his cause. There wasn’t more information on who or what the information was about, but that didn’t matter. We needed to stop the Death Eaters from getting it. They had layouts of the Department which were top-secret as far as I knew. A bit into the meeting, there was a low rumble from upstairs, causing Remus to look up and frown.  It sounded like Harry was having a go at Ron and Hermione. Undeterred, Snape continued through his report after which Moody went through his explanation of the guard duty we’d be doing at the Ministry. It seemed that he had been doing an alternating vigil there with Podmore up until that night.

After the meeting Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred and George came into the kitchen followed closely by Molly. Dinner that night was fun and lively. The environment calmed down into a lull until Sirius prodded Harry into asking about Voldemort, causing a bit of chaos broke out. Molly and Sirius went toe-to-toe about letting Harry ask or not ask questions about Voldemort. Arthur and Remus were a bit more reasonable when it came to allowing him information – I stayed out of the argument as it wasn’t an argument I fancied stepping into. When Remus and Arthur sided with Sirius, Molly escorted Ginny to bed, and Harry started asking questions.

Sirius unveiled more of the plans than was wise to share but Remus seemed to cover it up. Molly announced that the kids had to go to bed soon after that. Sirius and Remus started in a whispered argument about Sirius’ slip-up. I didn’t get why they were whispering with so many people in the room but they were certainly quite heated with each other.

After Bill and Arthur excused themselves, I decided to follow and let them finish their argument. Remus, noticing that I was leaving, got up abruptly and said he’d walk me out. I smiled appreciatively and welcomed the company.

When we were descending the steps to the street and saw the house disappear I asked, “How do you think it went tonight?”

Remus looked around slowly before answering, “Overall it was a success.”

“I guess that luck helped then,” I said smiling at Remus, who did not return my smile but looked rather grim.

“About that,” he started carefully. “I think it’s best if we’re just friends - nothing more. I’m -  I’m a werewolf,” he said, lowering his head as if he couldn’t bear to look me in the eyes and tell me this.

I put my hand on his face and raised it up so I could see into his eyes.

“I know that, and if it bothered me I wouldn’t be here.” I paused for a moment then hugged Remus tightly. Looking up at him, I continued, “If I were trying to be more than your friend, you’d know it by now.”

Remus laughed, “You’re more like Sirius than you know.”

Hoping that was a compliment, I made an attempt at a dashing grin before disapparating back home. My dreams that night were filled with Remus wearing a “just friends” shirt saying “excellent” about everything in the world but me and Moody who was giving a seminar on his left buttocks while watching me from afar. The strangest part of my dream was when Moody force-fed me veritaserum and asked if I liked Remus or him more - not one of my more restful nights.

 

A/N: This chapter has quotes from pgs 45-57 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Hardback American Version. Said lines are indicated with an asterisk. The chapter title and summary are from How Soon is Now? by The Smiths.

 


	4. Unbelievable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The things, you say  
> Your purple prose just gives you away  
> The things, you say  
> It's why I love you more

To my growing displeasure, I wasn’t able to see Remus every day. He was working in the Department of Magical Creatures to spy on Macnair, a known death eater. Sirius told me that he was being paid a pittance by the Ministry, but the Order paid him enough for him to get by. Wanting to stay connected to the Order, I still went to Grimmauld Place on an almost daily basis. Soon I started Guard Duty outside of the Department of Mysteries which led to a lot of stints where I’d be up for a few days at a time.  
  
My long stays outside of the Department of Mysteries gave me time for introspection. I couldn’t quite explain my pull towards Remus - I knew he didn’t want anything more than a friend, but that didn’t deter me. I wasn’t usually one to pine for a bloke, especially one who wasn’t interested in me – maybe it was just that he wasn’t the typical hornivore-guy. His interest in me (and mine in him) seemed to be based in laughter, respect and a mutual setting. Usually I only shared a physical attraction with guys I had flings with: my past relationships always started and ended quickly, so I figured that Remus was a passing fancy.   
  
_Oh, the lies we tell ourselves in the middle of the night!_  
  
Occasionally my mind floated over to Moody who seemed more my type; awkward and uncouth at times – we were two peas in a pod. Moody would often come relieve me in the morning. He was ideal for this, especially since he could see through invisibility cloaks. I asked him if he could see through clothing and if he used that to his advantage at times.   
  
He shook his head, as if he thought it an absurd question but then he said, “Aren’t you getting a bit up there in age for that color bra?” I rolled my eyes and walked away wondering if he really knew I was wearing a bright pink bra with stripes.  
  
One of the days when I was at the Ministry before my shift, I went to the Hall of Knowledge to do some reading. I was curious about werewolves - a passing fancy, I told myself. I asked the clerk there where I could find a book on lycanthropes and their sexual behavior. The clerk blinked at me for a moment and asked, “You want to know if we have a book on shagging a werewolf?”  
  
I glared at him and said quite threateningly, “Look, do you have a book or not?”   
  
He glanced at my Auror badge and gulped as he got up and led to me a small section about werewolves with books called  _Risks and Dangers of Socializing with Werewolves_  and  _The Lycanthrope will Rip out Your Throat_. I took a look around the area finding that not all the books were so one-sided. One new book on the benefits of wolfsbane potion said that with the potion, werewolves were only regular wolves and were not dangerous. I took quite a few of the books back to my desk for a bit of lunchtime reading.  
  
Scrimgeour seemed to notice my increased exhaustion and came by my desk more often than usual. He asked me odd questions about my pastimes and my friends. I was tempted to tell him to bugger off, but I figured it wasn’t a good idea to say that to the head of my department. I instead asked why he had a sudden interest in my social-life. The excuse was that he wanted to keep tabs on some of his junior employees, for morale purposes. I noticed he was hovered around Kingsley more often than usual and he certainly was not a junior employee.  
  
Between regular work and work for the Order, I thought I might collapse from exhaustion. Dumbledore had me doing four nights of Guard duty in a row. After the second night of being on duty, Scrimgeour summoned me to his office. He was eyeing me like a parent does when they catch their kid in a lie - a look I was quite familiar with that look from my parents.  
  
“Nymphadora, I must say I’m concerned about your behavior at work,” he started with a fatherly tone. “I’ve noticed you’re always tired here and you’ve become a bit sloppy in your performance.” I made to say something, but he held up a hand. “Even more, I went to your apartment last night to drop off some worked I needed done, and you weren’t there. Your neighbor said you didn’t spend much time there anymore.”  
  
I worked hard at not showing the disgust I felt. “I have been busy…” I tried to think of something that would explain my behavior; then it came to me. “I’ve been staying at my boyfriend’s house. I… don’t want to just move over, ‘cause you never know how those things turn out.” I forced myself to blush.  
  
Scrimgeour looked skeptical but didn’t push the matter. “Well, in that case, you’ll want to spend some more time sleeping over there and not busy with,” he coughed slightly, “other things.” I promised that I would and left to go die from embarrassment at my desk.  
  
It seemed like I was dead on my feet. After the third night of Guard Duty, I left with hardly a word to Moody and left a note for Kingsley that I’d be out sick that day. He was my immediate supervisor which made it easy to skive off for Order related work – or sleep in this case. I disapparated from his cubicle, not wanting to risk being seen in the atrium. I remembered that it was Harry’s hearing that day, so I went to Grimmauld Place to provide moral support. Sirius and Remus were in the kitchen with Molly and Arthur when I got down there. They all looked bleary-eyed. Catching site of me almost dead on my feet, I was offered a chair right away.  
  
Molly offered me coffee. I declined, not wanting to be awake anymore. Sirius appeared too worried to converse while Remus and Arthur were talking about Macnair. Remus said that Macnair was close-mouthed about his recent trip abroad.   
  
Harry walked in a bit later looking extremely pale-faced. I managed a meager greeting and Molly bustled away to get Harry some breakfast and thenstarted in on Harry’s hair. His eyes opened widely as if cold water seemed to be a shock.   
  
Thinking of a jarring moment, I remembered my conversation with Scrimgeour the previous day. I let Remus know that I got a bit of funny questioning from Scrimgeour. Yawning loudly, I continued that I couldn’t do Guard Duty – I was too exhausted. Arthur offered to take my shift that night, making me feel quite grateful.  
  
Harry wasn’t looking up from his toast, much less talking to anyone. We all looked over at Harry feeling pity for him. Remus comforting him by saying that the law was on his side. I told him that Amelia Bones is fair, which she always has been. Sirius seemed to spew out his advice by telling Harry to control his temper. A valid point if you ask me but a bit like the pot calling the cauldron black coming from Sirius. Soon Arthur said they should go and left the kitchen.  
  
Remus turned to me and asked what Scrimgeour was asking Kingsley and me. “Well, I don’t know what he’s asking Kingsley. He’s just been haa-anging around his desk. Yesterday he took me into his office and told me my performance was slipping and—” I yawned more. “He said that he stopped my flat to give me work and I wasn’t there, and my twit of a neighbor said he hadn’t seen me around.”  
  
Molly and Sirius looked concerned, as did Remus. He rubbed his chin contemplatively. “What did you say in response?” he asked, eyeing me wearily.  
  
“I said I’ve been staying at my boyfriend’s house. I acted really embarrassed, but I don’t know if he bought it.” I scowled slightly. I felt my eyelids shut slightly and rubbed them to see if I could wean a few more minutes to talk. Molly, Sirius, and Remus were watching me as if they expected me to konk out right there.  
  
“You should go to bed, Tonks,” Remus said taking my arm and pulling me up. “You can stay in my room, I’m headed off to work.” I followed Remus up the stairs passing Hermione and Ginny on the way. Remus had his arm around me, guiding me up the stairs. We even avoided the troll leg but I was too tired to comment on that. After some more stairs, he opened a door and led me to the bed. He pulled back the covers and I sat down to take off my shoes.  
  
“Why don’t you stay with me? I hate sleeping alone,” I said groggily. Remus seemed frozen to the spot. I reached out and grabbed his hand. “Please, Remus.”   
  
He looked as if he was going against his better judgment but slipped his shoes off and crawled awkwardly into bed with me. As soon as he laid down, Remus got up and paced the room.   
  
“What are you doing?” I asked.  
  
“I have to send a note to work.” he said rifling for some parchment. He muttered what he was writing as he wrote it, “Stomach flu, be in midday.” Then he tapped it with his wand and it disappeared with a crack.   
  
Remus sighed looking at me with apprehension – I’d usually relent given his hesitation but I wanted to cuddle with him and he seemed to have a weakness for sleepy women. Remus got back into bed and put his arm around me in a stiff way that indicated he hadn’t been anyone’s cuddle-buddy in a long time, if ever. I nuzzled up next to him, kissed him on the cheek and said that I’d sleep great now.  
  
I woke up a few hours later and Remus was still nestled against me, making me feel at home in an indescribable way. I rolled over in bed and watched Remus sleeping, noticing some scars that weren’t quite visible from normal talking distance. I supposed they were from his transformations, having read that some scarring was normal. I reached up and gently brushed some hair out of his eyes.   
  
Remus smiled and said in a hoarse voice, “For someone who was falling asleep at the table, you’re sure awake now.”  
  
I grinned and replied, “Two people sleeping together results in four times the rest.”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes jokingly. “More of your Auror Training I see.” Then his face grew slightly more lined as he asked seriously, “Why don’t you like to sleep alone?”   
  
I gulped looking up at him, wondering how much to divulge. I hadn’t really explained this odd quirk to anyone and no one had asked. Most guys took it as me being forward and didn’t question my intentions. While I was sure Remus enjoyed sleeping close to me – call it womanly instinct – he was not taking advantage of the situation as most would.   
  
“Our house was raided when I was young. Just about to go to Hogwarts.” I felt my eyes sting with tears, “Death Eaters.” Remus was looking at me intently.  
  
“Did they hurt…” he started but I shook my head. “What happened?” He asked his eyes full of concern.  
  
“They were just there to threaten Mum for being married to Dad. They must have been there on my aunt’s orders because they were mainly there to scare my parents. A few of them charged into my room though – it still gives me nightmares” When I finished Remus had an angry look in his eyes but it softened quickly.  
  
“It makes sense to me – you not wanting to sleep alone,” Remus said honestly. He reached under his pillow and pulled out a bunny rabbit with satin-lined ears. “My parents gave it to me after I was bitten. I had nightmares every night but this kept me company.” He handed me the careworn rabbit and I looked it over carefully. “His name is Freckles, though he has none,” Remus said with a tender look on his face. I had the feeling that Freckles was not introduced to many people.  
  
“He’s darling,” I said kissing Freckle’s forehead. “I sleep with a pillow named Elvis.” Remus laughed. “What? My dad’s a fan.” I smiled feeling surprisingly light-hearted after having divulged one of my few secrets. A few quiet moments later, Remus noticed the time and had to be responsible and go to work. I headed home and didn’t worry about work till the next day.  
  
I got to work a bit early the next morning, wanting to get a jumpstart on things that piled up from the day before. I put my rucksack down on my desk, the partially open zip allowed books to slide out a bit. I couldn’t be bothered to fix it as I had to start in on some memos cluttering my inbox. There was one saying that all sick-days and other days-off must be cleared by the Head of Department. I rolled my eyes and put it in the circular file. I looked up as a witch from across the way said she was glad I was doing better today. After saying an awkward thanks I made a note to ask Kingsley what exactly he told people about yesterday.  
  
I went back to reading my mail – there were a few things to look into that day, most of it involved pretending to look for Sirius. Kingsley requested my help in the search for Sirius after I joined the Order. It was nice, we collected information and wrote reports on Sirius’ behavior. I didn’t look up until I heard someone sit down in the extra chair in my cubicle. I turned around, it was Dawlish, the creep.  
  
“Nice to see you’re doing better,” he said while his eyes slowly worked their way up and down me. I withheld a shudder and managed a smile that probably better resembled a grimace. “I heard that we’re dating, my little vixen,” he whispered in his attempt at a seductive voice. When I didn’t answer Dawlish picked up the books I had on my desk. “Werewolves? I didn’t know you liked half-breeds.”  
  
I stood up abruptly and muttered a harsh, “You wish, then I might consider you,” and made to leave the cubicle when Dawlish stood up and used his arm to block the way. “Let me pass,” I said, nostrils flaring.  
  
“Not until you tell me who you’re dating,” Dawlish said in a low voice. I took my wand and pointed it at his gut.  
  
“You’ll let me go or I’ll curse off what little you have down there,” I snarled at him. Kingsley walked by reading the  _Prophet_. Without really looking up he barked that he wanted to see me in his office. Dawlish let me pass and I had half a mind to jinx him from behind for good measure.  
  
I followed Kingsley to his cubicle. He was lecturing me the whole way about not coming in. Then he said in a low voice, “Is he still pestering you?” Then continued loudly, “Skipping work like that simply isn’t acceptable – we have a murderer on the loose.”  
  
I nodded and said, “Yes, I realize it’s a problem, and I’m working on it.” Then I whispered, “He won’t leave me alone.”   
  
Kingsley nodded and said he’d see what he could do. I went back to my cubicle and got started on my workload for the day. I was glad that the office was usually bustling with people. Dawlish worked on the other side of Auror headquarters and he knew better than to make his harassment trips while there were witnesses.  
  
Dawlish managed to creep me out again when I was leaving work. As I walked out he tugged on the sleeve of my robes and said, “Say hi to your beau for me.”   
  
I pretended I didn’t hear him but I could feel his eyes on me the whole way out. I went home that night, a bit preoccupied with my day. I decided to forgo a trip to Gimmauld Place, not wanting to track in my sullen mood. When I got home, Ikicked my shoes into a corner and noticed the mess piling up. Knowing it would appall Mum to see my flat in such a state, I thought I should really pick up, but I was too tired.  
  
Unsure of what to do for the night I contemplated going to my parent’s for dinner. Being a horrible cook, I often relied on others for food. Deciding that socialization was too taxing, I settled on take-out for dinner. I grabbed a muggle outfit and started to change when I heard someone outside my door. No one from the Order knew where I lived, at least no one visited me. Moving to a dark corner, I stood still with my wand at the ready.   
  
I heard a voice utter “ _Alohomora_ ” and the door opened slowly. As the light let in from the hallway, I saw the outline of Dawlish’s face.  
  
He poked his head in saying, “Are you here, my sweet?”   
  
When I didn’t answer he came in and looked around. He started to look through the things on my coffee table. He smirked when he saw my copy of  _Witch Teen_  and then scowled slightly he looked in my rucksack. He pulled out the books I had from the Hall of Knowledge, thumbing through to see what pages I had marked. Then he got up and turned around. I was right behind him with my wand thrust at him like a knife.  
  
A/N:  
  
First kind of cliffhanger of the story!! Rewriting this 8-ish years later, I can’t help but comment that while people like Dawlish exist, this story will in no way go to justify sexual harassment or assault. I do feel it is accurate to have many of the themes and events we’ll see with Tonks at work as well as between her and Dawlish but it is not an endorsement.   
  
The chapter title and summary are from Unbelievable by EMF. 


	5. Fast Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Any place is better  
> Starting from zero got nothing to lose  
> Maybe we'll make something  
> Me myself I got nothing to prove

“What in the name of Merlin are _you_ doing _here_?” I asked vehemently. Dawlish looked at me, a startled expression on his face. He looked over at his wand lying carelessly by a magazine.

“ _Accio!_ ” I said, reaching out for his wand as it zoomed towards me. Dawlish made an attempt to grab it mid-air but failed. In what appeared to be an act of desperation, Dawlish tackled me to the ground. Both wands flew out of my hand and landed a few feet away from my grasp.

“Get the bloody hell off me! I’m reporting you to Scrimgeour!” I yelled, struggling under his weight.

Putting his sweaty hand over my mouth, Dawlish leered at me before saying, “Who do you think sent me?” Smirking at the apparent panic on my face he added, “I knew you’d eventually warm up to me.”

My eyes narrowed in disbelief at these words. I tried desperately to regain a position of power, my hand found its way to Dawlish’ beefy neck and he let up momentarily. Without his weight fully pressed onto me, I was able to kick him hard, eliciting a yowl of pain. With a great push, I worked free from his hold and made it to my wand.

“ _Stupefy_!”

My chest heaved for moments as I stared at Dawlish’s limp body. Using the last of my daring, I prodded his shoulder with my foot and was relieved that he was out cold. I was consumed with the need to leave so I grabbed my cloak, rucksack, and a set of clothes before departing, my mind made up on staying with Sirius and Remus. I paused at the door and decided to send Kingsley an owl so he would know what happened and that I’d be with Remus. It was with unease setting in that I left Dawlish on the floor of my flat, hoping he would leave upon waking.

A good ten minutes later, I burst into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. Sirius and Remus weren’t in any the other rooms they usually occupied in the evening and I thought it best to check downstairs before invading their rooms.  Sirius was pouring himself a drink. I looked around and Remus’ absence was rather conspicuous.

“Where’s Remus?” I asked as if my sudden appearance in Grimmauld Place was expected.

“At his place,” Sirius muttered as he looked at me. “What’s wrong?” he asked, setting his glass down with a thud. “Nymphadora, what’s wrong?”

“I was attacked by that dunderhead Dawlish,” I said quickly, not wanting to go into details while trying to understand Remus’ absence. “But, why is Remus at his place?” Sirius looked up as if looking at the sky. I gasped, “Shit, I forgot that was tonight - I should go there.”

“No,” Sirius said abruptly, his face set in a stern look.

“He’s not dangerous,” I half stated, half asked.  

Sirius raised his brow before stating, “Of course not but he wants to be alone—” I had my wand out again. Sirius looked startled as he looked down the tip of my wand.

“Tell me where he lives,” I requested in a low threatening voice. Sirius pulled out his wand but kept it at his side.

“He doesn’t want people there,” Sirius insisted. Neither of moved for a few moments and he seemed to take the determined glare in my eyes as a sign that I wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Oh fine. He lives in the outskirts of London. Strider Lane. Number 3.”

I tore out of the kitchen and left the house with haste, knowing Remus might be upset with me for going to his place, especially when he was transformed. It just seemed like a night when we both needed a friend.

Arriving in an alley near his street with a crack that scared away some cats, I spotted his house right away. I knocked, knowing he wouldn’t answer – I didn’t think it wise to just barge in. After a few moments, I tapped my wand on the handle and the door opened.

Entering slowly, I whispered, “Remus, it’s me.”

I heard a growling bark from the corner and lit my wand to see. A large wolf stood a few feet away with its hair sticking up on end. While this would likely scare other people, I knew that my friend was there under the fur.

“Remus…” I sighed. “I had to come, please don’t be mad.”

It felt strange talking to Remus as a wolf, mainly because I was use to his gentle words and sound advice. Remus seemed to sense I was slightly distraught as his hackles lowered and he came up next to me. I reached out to pet his head but before I could, he bit my sleeve, walking me into the living room. I sat down near the fireplace and started a roaring fire.

“Oh Remus, I had a horrible day,” I said after sitting down. Remus laid down next to me with his head on my knee. I started feeling tears in my eyes as I told him about Dawlish being a prick at work, then how he broke into my flat and assaulted me. It seemed prudent to leave out the part about Dawlish finding my Werewolf books - I didn’t want to seem like I was obsessing over Remus.

“I don’t want to go home tonight,” I told him with a slight sob. “Can I stay here?”

Looking into Remus’ wolfish eyes I could see anger that quickly softened. Remus wagged his tail and barked. I smiled, drying my eyes. We sat together near the fire and I talked more, deciding to tell him about my history with Dawlish.

“Biggest mistake, ever,” I said disgustedly. “I went out with him once. _Once_. And he won’t leave me alone. It’s been about a year and a half too. I didn’t even kiss him,” I huffed loudly. “And I made it clear that I didn’t want to see him after the first date. He’s a fascist troll. He started in on muggle-borns others who are ‘ _less worthy’_ of a wizard’s life. I nearly hexed him before I left the bar,” I sighed loudly. “I really need to report him, but I think Scrimgeour will take his side.”

I droned on about Scrimgeour, how he knew my dad and he didn’t seem to think much of me. Remus laid there with his head in my lap, occasionally making eye-contact. I petted him absent-mindedly through the conversation. It felt a bit egocentric talking about myself for so long, but Remus’ eyes showed he was intrigued. Soon I started in on how I could keep my flat safe.

“I’ve never had anyone to keep out before, and if he can get in that easily… I’ll have to look up some security charms. I’m sure they have something in the Hall of Knowledge.” Remus wagged his tail excitedly to show his interest.

Apart from Remus not being able to respond, talking to him as a wolf was just as comfortable as talking to him any other time.

Becoming tied, yawned. “Where’s the couch?” I asked, not wanting to take over his house. Remus yipped at me, ran into his bedroom, and jumped on the bed. I grinned at his behavior and willingness to share his bed again. “Well I didn’t want to make any assumptions,” I called, grabbing my rucksack and following.

Remus was watching me intently until I started to change for bed. He looked the other way as I pulled my shirt off - I didn’t think to warn him. When I was in my pajamas, I told him it was safe to look. I climbed into bed with him scratching his head and back. He rested his head on my chest and sleepily closed his eyes.

I woke up the next morning and started slightly, forgetting where I was until I saw Remus’ head resting against and smiled. A thought occurred to me as we laid there so I lifted the blanket slightly to check… he was naked. I thought about it for a minute and nudity made sense. Wolves don’t have clothes on, so he was probably naked all night. I rubbed his head some, doing so rather absent-mindedly.

“I’m not a wolf anymore,” he said dryly with a weak smile.

Then, seeming to realize the same thing I just did, Remus scrambled out of bed, taking the blanket with him. I looked away as he quickly dressed. It wasn’t my first impulse, but I wanted to respect his sense of decency. When I chanced a glance towards Remus, he was in his boxers pulling on a shirt. He had a tired, pale look. I could see some abrasions on his skin. I got out of bed and moved closer to him, putting out a hand cautiously.

“Will you be okay today?” I asked with my eyes on his fresh scars. He nodded and pulled me into a tight embrace.

“I’m so sorry to hear about last night and that Dawlish,” Remus said quietly. “I’ll go with you and look for books about securing your flat.” He paused for a moment and said, “Why did you come here though?” He let go of me and stepped back to see me better.

My face flushed as I tried to think of an explanation that didn’t sound completely crazy. “I was going to stay at Grimmauld Place, but you weren’t there and Sirius told me you transformed…” I started.

Even in my head, the next part sounded cheesy, but I said it anyways. “I didn’t think you should be alone during the full moon.” I gently brushed a stray hair from his forehead before adding, “I wanted to be here for you, for support.”

In what otherwise could have been a romantic moment, my stomach gurgled loudly. “You look just as famished as I feel,” I said, tearing myself away and walking towards the kitchen.

I opened a few cupboards until I found his pantry. There’s wasn’t much there, but he had oatmeal. In a moment of domestic clarity, a rare ones at that, I put some oatmeal and brown sugar in two bowls and poured some piping hot water out of my wand. Deciding to try mine, I scooped a spoonful - it wasn’t horrible. I went on to make a cup of tea for Remus. As I levitated the bowls and carried the tea to his small kitchen table, Remus had a mildly surprised look on his face.

“Oh, good, the kitchen didn’t explode,” he said chuckling.

I rolled my eyes and said, “I’m only good at making other things explode,” which made me pause for a moment wondering what the heck I meant.

There was a knock at the door a bit into breakfast and Remus got up, wand in hand, to answer. From the deep voice carrying in, I knew it was Kingsley.

“Wotcher, Kingsley!” I said merrily before I realizing the awkwardness of the situation. Remus muttered something about needing to get dressed. “You got my owl then?” I asked trying to keep my usual upbeat demeanor. The truth was that I was a bit nervous. I couldn’t read Kingsley’s expression though it looked like concern.

“I just came from the Ministry,” he said, looking aggravated. “I was there long enough to learn that Dawlish and Scrimgeour are going to say you invited him over, having led him on.” I scoffed loudly but Kingsley cut me off saying, “I know it isn’t fair, but it’s your word against his word.”

“Why do you think he was in my house in the first place?” I asked feeling my stomach lurch with unease. His sudden desire to break-in was the thing that bothered me most of all. Maybe it was jealousy for my fictional boyfriend, maybe he _was_ spying for Scrimgeour… maybe he was there for an even darker purpose.

Remus had emerged from his room, fully dressed and watching me intently. “I don’t think Dawlish is a Death Eater,” he said quietly as if he had been reading my thoughts. “From what you said last night, it’s jealousy gone badly. When he said that he was there because of Scrimgeour, he probably meant that he was told you had a boyfriend by Scrimgeour, not that he was sent by Scrimgeour.”

Kingsley nodded in agreement and he opened his mouth then seemed to think better of saying what was on his mind. Opening his mouth again, he said, “We should get to the Ministry. I’ll wait while you get dressed.” I realized I was still in my pajamas and hurried to the bedroom to change.

While I was in there I could hear Kingsley and Remus talking quietly. It sounded like Kingsley was inquiring why I was there and not at Grimmauld Place. Remus went through the explanation I gave him that morning. To my embarrassment, Kingsley asked if anything happened between us. I was on the verge of barging out there and telling him to mind his own business until Remus’ response stopped me.

“Young women like Tonks don’t go for men like me.” Remus’ voice drifted into the room and I had half a mind to jump out of the room in my knickers and tell him he was wrong, but I managed not to succumb to that urge.

I went to work with Kingsley, and despite the stares and the lecture he had to give me about proper conduct with Senior Aurors, I only thought about Remus. Maybe I was just a nuisance and he was merely being polite but I couldn’t get him out of my head. Generally speaking, men weren’t a source for many of my deeper thoughts. I didn’t want to confess it to anyone, let alone myself, but I was falling in love.

My parents had me over for dinner on my next night off from Guard Duty. They didn’t know about the Order so I had to make excuses for my recent unavailability. I was sure that they’d be supportive of the cause, but Dumbledore said even telling our loved ones put them at risk. Mum kept a close eye on me during dinner, as if expecting me to sprout a second head, which I tried once - not fun. I talked to them about work, leaving out Dawlish and his continued creepiness. I was thankful that Kingsley would walk by my desk whenever Dawlish lingered there.

“Any men in your life?” she finally asked as if I was planning on running off to elope the next day. I gave her a puzzled look. She usually didn’t even acknowledge that I knew what men were. “Your Dad ran into Rufus Scrimgeour the other day,” she said with a significant look. “He said you’ve been a bit off-beat at work but then he explained why.” Even Dad looked interested at this point.

“Oh, that,” I said feeling a slight panic at being caught in a lie. “It’s true,” I said hoping they’d leave it at that. Naturally they didn’t.

“Well, who is the bloke?” Dad asked with a significant glance at Mum. I could tell he was most eager for this piece of information. I took a large bite of potatoes so I could think through my options.  Kingsley and Moody would be hesitant to go along with any sort of charade like this. Bill Weasley was a viable option, but I was sure he had a girlfriend. Then I went with the person whose name first came to mind when we entered this conversation: Remus Lupin.

I swallowed with difficulty and said, “Well, he’s a former Hogwart’s professor. He does some work with the Ministry now. He’s really kind and has a great sense of hum—”

Mum cut me off w with a brisk, “This isn’t a personals ad! What is his name?”

I said his name looking her straight in the eyes, which widened in shock. “Nymphadora Lynn Tonks! He’s much too old for you, and - do you know who he associated himself with for years?” she asked with a crack in her voice. Mum always felt ashamed about Sirius being sent to jail for murder. She, like 98% of the Magical World believed him to be guilty. “ _And_ I have it on good authority that he’s a - a _werewolf_.”

I slammed my fork down angrily, asking, “What’s that got to do with anything? He’s safe when he transforms. And if it doesn’t bother me, it’s not anything for you to worry yourself about.” I looked over to Dad who seemed to want to stay out of this argument – so I said the one thing that would draw him in,“If you can’t accept him, I don’t see any reason for me to come back here.”

Mum blinked with surprise but it was my Dad who spoke, “Let’s have him over for dinner. Next Friday.”

I didn’t expect an invitation for dinner – just that they’d lay off a bit. They never showed any interest in anyone else I mentioned dating, then again, I never threatened alienation over anyone else either. Mum seemed to cool off after that, even saying she was excited to meet him.

I stopped by Grimmauld Place before I went home that night, needing to fill everyone in and ask Remus to be my pretend boyfriend. I explained the story to Molly, Remus, Sirius and Arthur, not able to believe how one lie spiraled so much. Remus looked leery of taking on this role, which I took that as a ‘never going to be more than friends’ sign. Sirius found it amusing, but he was surprised that Mum was upset about Remus being one of his friends. I explained how mention of his name in the house caused her to go to pieces. This news was understandably upsetting for him.

“I don’t see why you didn’t say you were dating _Bill_.” she said in a hopeful tone mothers get when they’re talking about their single sons. I tried to explain my rationale, but nothing came of it. I didn’t want to tell her that Bill’s overtime was spent with a French woman.

Dumbledore popped in a little after 11 that night to speak with me after the attack. I told him all that happened and filled him in on the kink that came in the form of my parents. His eyes twinkled slightly when I told him that Remus would be my faux beau.

When I left that night, Dumbledore offered to accompany me out. As he held the door open for me, I smiled and thanked him. He followed me out and I had to express a burgeoning concern.

“I don’t really think I’m useful for the Order,” I confessed in my bravest voice.

“Quite to the contrary, Nymphadora,” Dumbledore assured me. “You are a talented witch and fill a key role with the Order. In addition to your tremendous skill as an Auror, having a spark of youth is just what we needed.”

I glanced at Dumbledore and his eyes twinkled before he went on, “I think it would be beneficial to, at some point, make your faux beau _vrai_. It’s what you both want.”

I didn’t know how he knew the very thoughts and feelings I had been ignoring. “I… I don’t think he’d like that as much as you say,” I said quietly, thinking of his refusal to be more than a friend. We didn’t seem to have equal footing in terms of intellect and talent and I didn’t think I was the type of woman he could love. When I looked up Dumbledore told me to give it time and vanished.

A/N: faux beau is my mangled Latin for fake boyfriend. Vrai is also mangled Latin for real. The title and summary for this chapter are from Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. If you’re enjoying this, please check out How I Killed My Lover which follows this story in parallel.


	6. Bizarre Love Triangle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue  
> It's no problem of mine  
> And it's what nobody knows  
> Well every day my confusion grows

 Word seemed to spread through the Order like wildfire that Remus and I were pseudo-dating. Even Moody gave me a hard time about it when we traded shifts in the morning.

“Heard about you and Lupin,” Moody muttered in a low voice, causing me to jump. He was under a disillusionment charm and I was under the invisibility cloak.

“Bloody hell,” I managed after resisting the urge to shout. Calming down a bit, I added, “It’s not like you to pay attention to the personal lives of those around you.”

“Missions aren’t personal,” he rumbled.

Even with neither of us being visible, I could tell he was giving me _that_ look – half appraising and half disappointed with some mistake I’ve made. “Either way, better keep that eye of yours pointed away from my room,” I whispered, holding in the laugh that nearly followed. He didn’t bring Remus or my choice in pretend boyfriends up again as we swapped places for guard duty.  

No one at work, aside from those in the Order, were privy to the name of my supposed love-interest so my days were free from discussions of Remus and I. It was a small mercy that Dawlish decided to lay-off his creepier behaviors - I think Scrimgeour finally said something to him about his actions. I noticed that he would stare avidly whenever he passed by, but the lewd remarks stopped.

Molly invited me (via Arthur) to dinner that Wednesday. It made for a nice change to see everyone when I wasn’t upset, making up a spectacular lie, or otherwise distressed. Dinner was an enjoyable event. Harry told a bit more about his broomstick and I considered saving up for a newer model. Fred and George were talking in covert whispers while sitting apart from the rest of us - I had a suspicion that it was something that would cause another yelling match between them and Molly. It appeared that the kids didn’t know about Remus and me and I wasn’t in a mood to tell them either. Hermione asked me what I do at work, and I explained that I pretend to hunt for Sirius. Then looking around I realized he wasn’t there.

“Where is Sirius?” I asked looking around. Harry’s face seemed to fall slightly then said that he was up with Buckbeak. Sirius came down 20 minutes late with a look of manic cheer that did not suit him. The rest of us chatted throughout dinner but he remained quiet and moody when no one directly engaged him in convesation. I entertained Ginny and Hermione by changing my hair to different people’s hair, even getting Ron to laugh when I sprouted a long white beard.

Later on when the kids went to bed, Remus sat down next to me and handed me a cup of tea. I thanked him and took a sip – it was perfect. Molly excused herself and went off to bed, Arthur followed close behind her.

“I think we should go over our story,” Remus said without any preamble. I had been contemplating this since Dad invited us over. We made up a list of things we should know, including where we met, things we like to do together. Sirius suggested we say shagging but Remus and I didn’t want to go with that one. I noticed Remus’ ears glowing red after that comment and wondered if he had considered shagging me.

Remus and I were almost done with our list of information about ‘us’ when Sirius asked, “What about physical stuff?” I must have looked puzzled because he clarified, “Birthmarks, for one. Then snogging and what not. They’ll at least expect you to hold hands.”

“We’re not going to snog in their living room,” Remus said quickly and Sirius laughed loudly. He evidently found Remus’ reaction to this idea quite amusing. Sirius went up to bed leaving Remus and I there to hash out the ‘physical’ aspect of our deception.

“I agree with you about the snogging,” I said quietly. We were both huddled over the same parchment like two students reviewing for an exam. I glanced at Remus, seeing the worry lines on his face. “Thank you for doing this,” I said softly. He looked at me and I felt like I could have fallen into his amber eyes.

Our faces were mere inches apart when Molly came down the stairs in her bathrobe on and let out a gasp of surprise. “Sorry, I thought everyone was in bed,” she said, blushing slightly. “I left my book down here,” she added before grabbing her book and departing. Our gaze, broken after Molly came in, returned to the parchment rather than each other.

“Some kissing, though nothing drastic, would be expected,” Remus said matter-of-factly then he added, “And you don’t have to thank me, I’m happy that I can help.” I smiled up at him while he took my hand and held it in his. Holding it tenderly he rubbed my hand with his thumb, and gave it a squeeze.

“Do you want to come back to my place tonight?” I said softly in his ear, desperately hoping he’d agree. Our eyes met and I saw the same desire in his eyes that was devouring my heart. I leaned in to kiss him and he didn’t try to stop me. His hand was soon resting against my face so that his fingers were on the back of my neck while his thumb caressed my cheek. I couldn’t quite tell you how long we were kissing but with the abruptness of a strike of lightning, he pulled away.

“I-- we can’t do this,” he said in a pained voice. “It’s fine that we’re ‘dating’,” with finger-quotes for emphsis, “But it’s not a good idea to really date. I’m—”

“You’re what?” I asked heatedly. “Too old? A werewolf? That doesn’t matter to me, Remus.” I felt crushed, unable understand why he was using age and his wolfishness as reasons for us not to be together. I decided that it must be _me_ he didn’t like - I was quite sure of it. “I should go,” I said in voice that couldn’t hide the sting of rejection or shame for raising my voice. I tapped the parchment and muttered, “ _gemlio_ ,” before I walked out with the extra piece of parchment I made, my head bowed slightly.

I was severely distracted at work the next day. It seemed that Remus would only spend time with me on a ‘friend’ basis. Though his eyes kept telling me otherwise. I wanted to see him again before we went off to see my parents the next day. I sent him a memo:

_“Hall of Knowledge, after work, Friday.”_

There would be a few hour gap between getting off work and seeing my parents. I knew he’d meet me there because we still hadn’t looked up books on securing locations. I thought making it unplotable was a tad extreme, but there had to be some practical solution to my Dawlish problem.

He sent back a note saying he’d be there. The prospect of seeing Remus in a setting where we could talk carried me through my long night on Duty after which Moody came in to relieve me in the early morning. I went to change my clothes, turning to tell him not to watch with a cheeky grin. Work went remarkably better that day - Scrimgeour even said he appreciated the upswing in my work. I managed a strained smile until he turned away when I considered blowing a raspberry behind his back.

I left 20 minutes early to get to the Hall of Knowledge first, stopping by a bathroom to check my hair - it looked fine. Then I questioned myself as to why I was trying so hard to impress a man who wanted to be ‘just friends’. Marching into the Hall of Knowledge, I ignored the clerk. He wanted a word but I wasn’t in the mood for more werewolf shagging jibes. I had returned all of the books but the one called _Physiology and Procreation of Werewolves_ which had useful diagrams.

Remus wandered in some 10 minutes later and walked up to the clerk and asked if he had seen a young woman with bright pink hair.

“Oh, the one with the book on shagging werewolves?” the clerk said loudly. “She’s over there.” Sinking into my seat, I could have hexed the man’s ears off. Remus came over, a smirk playing on his face, and sat down. Judging by his lack of questions about my werewolf book, he didn’t know I overheard the idiot-clerk.

We went through quite a few books together. We didn’t find anything that struck me as feasible, though a few were quite amusing. We settled on some good jinxes and if all else failed, I’d stay with Remus. That made me secretly hope someone broke in at least twice a week.

“Oh, and I’m coming over ever full-moon,” I said. It wasn’t a question, or a request. I had been thinking it over, and I abhorred the idea of Remus being alone during that time. “I’ll even bring food,” I said smiling. I gathered, mainly from my books, that raw steak is all he’d need while he was a wolf. Remus looked as if he had some objections but agreed nonetheless.

We apparated near my parent’s house and walked close together up to the house. Out of nerves, I straightened Remus’ collar and ran my hands down his sleeves, taking out the creases a bit.

“How many guys have you brought home?” he asked an anxious look on his face.

“To meet my parents? You’re the first,” I said taking his hand in mine. He smiled somewhat nervously at me as we walked up to the house. I took in a deep breath and I knocked on the door. Mum answered with a doll-like smile on her face; it was somewhat forced but still passable as nice. We sat down for tea. Dad and Remus talked about the Ministry - I chimed in when they mention something to do with the Auror office. I was quite content sitting next to Remus, our hands interlocked. Mum got up a bit into our visit and said she had to check on dinner.

“Would you like to help me, Nymphadora, dear?” I let go of Remus’ hand and gave his knee a quick squeeze before following Mum into the kitchen.

I stood behind the kitchen door listening to Dad tell Remus, “I haven’t seen Nymphadora look this happy in quite a long time.”

Remus responded, “She’s the one that’s brightening up my life.”

I turned around, my flushed at Remus’ words, to see Mom fussing over a salad. “What do you think?” I asked tentatively. 

“I should add another tomato,” she said contemplatively but when I didn’t respond she continued, “Oh, you mean about Remus?” I nodded and managed to hold in a sarcastic response. “He is nice, everything you said,” she said nicely. I had the feeling she was reserving her full judgment for later.

We sat down to dinner after a bit. Remus looked rather impressed by the spread. “The food looks wonderful,” he said appreciatively.

“You probably don’t get much in terms of cooking from ‘Dora,” Dad chuckled. I grinned while Mum looked ashamed of having a daughter that couldn’t cook.

“Actually,” Remus said with a slight smile, “Nymphadora makes a great bowl of oatmeal.” We all laughed, well, minus Mum. If there were a dementor that sucked out a person’s sense of humor, I would have suspected it to got to Mum. It was a bit strange for me to be in a group where everyone called me Nymphadora. I had to bite my tongue about that particular pet-peeve.

Dad took to Remus like a duck to water while Mum seemed to be resisting his quiet charm with difficulty. I wished that everything about that night were true, Remus and I dating him being introduced as my lover, but I pushed that thought to the back of my head. We left after dessert and walked a ways together before going to our respective flats.

“I think they like you,” I said happily. That seemed like a stupid thing to say, considering we weren’t really dating. I made a mental note to think, then talk.

Remus had his arm around me as we walked away from the house, and continued to do so when we were out of site from the house. “Your parents are really nice. I see where you get your household skills from,” Remus said, the corners of his mouth twitched. I laughed and said that I hoped he meant my Dad. We walked for a while around the neighborhood where I grew up. After a short walk and the burgeoning need to kiss Remus, I said I should go home. Wanting to avoid another awkward ‘just friends’ moment, I disapparated home to Elvis – at least he loved me.

I saw Remus a few days later at Grimmauld Place. Molly set a big to-do for Ron and Hermione, who were both named prefects. As a reward for his prefect status, Ron received a new broomstick which was excitedly telling everyone and anyone about it. Molly gushed over Ron and Hermione - It really seemed to make her happier than I had seen in quite a while. Harry had a sulky look that night, even though tried to be cheerful, but it wasn’t working. Sirius had the same look of false cheer at the party.

I was seated in between Moody and Kingsley. The three of us got into a conversation about Harry not being named prefect – I was sure that Dumbledore had his reasons but Kingsley made a good point that it would show confidence in the often ridiculed boy. Moody got up after a while and showed Harry something – it looked like a picture. Kingsley, who was keen on information from the first Order, called over and to him asking see it.

Moody thrust the photo at us while his magical eye followed Harry up the stairs. It rested at a spot upstairs and I wondered if it got stuck again. He muttered something about trouble and boggarts then rushed upstairs. Since Moody isn’t a quick rusher, Remus made it up the stairs first and Sirius was close behind him. I stayed down in the kitchen with the rest of the gang, our conversations pausing for a few moments then picked up in full speed. Ron was _still_ going on about his broom.

Sirius, Moody and Remus came back downstairs after 10 or so minutes. Remus and Sirius looked pale - Moody seemed preoccupied too. I shot them a quizzical look, but Remus gave a small shake of his head, which told me ‘ask later’. I didn’t get a chance to ask him about it, but Moody filled me about the boggart after Duty a few nights later. Remus left to go to bed before I could talk to him about anything, or us.

Going to King’s Cross the next day was quite an event. Moody was in charge of the luggage while Molly, Arthur, Remus and to my surprise Sirius walked the kids to the station. I joined them a short ways into their trip. I was on my guard, knowing we were vulnerable out on the streets. Sirius was being a prat by running around and barking. Remus looked extremely aggravated at his bold behavior, as did Molly. When we arrived at the station, I sighed with relief until I saw the Malfoys and became tense again. I looked from Lucius’ face to Sirius-the-dog and saw a gleam in his eye. He leaned over and whispered something to his son. I held back a dirty look with great effort. That man spoiled my aunt Narcissa against muggle-borns and muggles. According to Mum, she had been on the fence about the whole muggle-born thing before she paired up with him.

Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins were about to board the train. I was a bit down to see them go as they had been great to get to know over the summer. I hugged Ginny and Hermione and said my goodbye and settled on a wave to the guys. Sirius hugged Harry on his haunches - I was tempted to tell him to knock it off, but quite a few people were watching the rambunctious dog. Molly whispered a harsh admonition at him which he seemed to disregard it altogether. Remus looked as if he was barely holding in a lecture for Sirius.

After the train departed and parents started to leave, Remus grabbed Sirius by the scruff of his neck and started in on a whispered lecture while they left. I made a note to steer clear of Grimmauld Place that night as they’d be at each other for hours. Molly and Arthur left together, looking a little punch-drunk at the prospect of having alone time again. I imagine that their first night without the kids would be an exciting one. I turned and saw that Mad-Eye and I were the only ones from the Order still at the station.

“Do you want to do lunch?” I asked Moody.

After a busy summer with the Order, I was used to always being around people. I thought it’d be too much of a social shock to go from one extreme to another. Moody looked at me as if trying to decide if this was a cleverly disguised attack, or a genuine attempt to socialize. He concluded the latter and agreed.

As we were dressed as muggles, I thought it’d be nice to have a muggle favorite: take-out Chinese food. I ordered as Moody was a complete novice when it came to Chinese food. I suggested we take it back to my place, only being a few blocks away. It was surprising how curious Moody was about the muggle world. He wasn’t outwardly inquisitive, but he always looked around, observing his surroundings. I noticed he would look me over every few minutes as if he were determined to memorize all of my features.

When I opened the door to my flat, I regretted bringing Moody there. It was a _mess_. I’m one of those people that takes their clothes off and they land where they land and remain there for a period. I took my wand out and waved it at my heap of clothes, causing them to vanish into my closet. Then I realized that Moody could still see them if he wanted to.

We sat down on my couch, using the coffee table instead of our laps. I turned on the WWN for noise in case Moody wasn’t in a talkative mood. We ate in silence for a few minutes and I took in the various scars and old injuries still visible on Moody’s face and hands.

“How did you lose your eye?” I blurted out. He told me once that his eye was lost during a duel not long after Voldemort was captured but it seemed like there would be more to the story.

Moody stared at me appraisingly as he took a bite of his General Tso Chicken. With a gulp, he started to explain. “Hunting down one of the last known Death Eaters after Voldemort fell – Rosier,” he said with a scowl. “Six days in and I located his hideout but he was keen to my presence – three of them and me.”

I let out an involuntary gasp, unable to imagine walking into that kind of fight, much less walking out.

“In the end I took out three of them but they did get some of me in return.”

It turned out that Moody had a lot of battle stories and he talked about them during lunch. I asked him questions about each battle and some of his prominent scars. He was very intriguing, much more so than I had considered before. Moody seemed like an old war hero, having earned all of his scars as testaments to his bravery.

I put my hand on his leg and said, “You are really courageous.”

I leaned in closer to Moody kissed him softly and I was surprised how responsive he was. He pulled me in to a deep, passionate kiss. Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting things to go like that but welcomed the returned affection – even if it was from an unexpected source.

A/N: The chapter summary and title are from Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order. I’d love any feedback or thoughts on the story so far!


	7. Is this Love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this love that I'm feeling,  
> Is this the love, that I've been searching for  
> Is this love or am I dreaming,  
> This must be love  
> -Whitesnae

I’ve learned that sometimes in life people, such as myself, act against themselves - not in harmful or self-destructive ways, but in lieu of what would truly satisfy a person, they go after a shadow of their desire. In my case, it was pursuing a man I didn’t really want because I felt too intimidated by the one I desired. I clumsily hurt another man’s heart, a good man, but not the one for me.

I can’t really say what made it seem like a good idea but between the subtle jokes, our mutual career path, and his ardent, penetrating gaze that gave me those weird goosebumps that don’t have anything to do with the weather, I found Moody to be an interesting romantic partner. I didn’t think that I’d be the first woman to show interest in more than a long time and I didn’t pause to consider that he was far more invested in our relationship than I was. To me, it wasn’t as much a relationship as friends, sleeping together.

I laid awake a few nights wondering what I was doing – it wasn’t that I didn’t like Moody but rather I finally accepted that I loved Remus. And yet I was sleeping with Moody. I confused by my feelings and actions but was unsure of what to do, not knowing how Remus would react if he knew what I was doing. He didn’t seem very judgmental, but he seemed like a bit of a prude when it came to intimate matters such as having an uncommitted relationship with someone.

Meanwhile I spent my days at work and a few nights a week at the Ministry standing outside of the Department of Mysteries after which Moody and I would take a few recreational minutes in between our respective guard duties each day. Alastor wasn’t a romantic man, but he was passionate. When I think of his ardent demeanor when talking about proper wand care, it pales in comparison to his passion in a more intimate setting.             

The Order met less frequently now that things cooled down.  With Harry so well protected at school, most of our work was taken care of. I still went to Grimmauld Place frequently and I reserved full moons for Remus – though I felt slightly reserved in his presence with a guilty mind each time.

There was one night soon after I started my fling with Moody when I stopped by Grimmauld Place. Remus wasn’t there but I found Sirius alone in the downstairs kitchen with a letter clutched in his hand and a worried, contemplative look on his face.

“What’s worrying you?” I asked settling myself into a chair. Sirius looked up at me with lines under his eyes. He thrust the letter at me and I read it. “Wow, he’s had quite a week. Do you think that Hagrid is okay?” I asked worriedly. It didn’t seem like Hagrid to be late for school, but Dumbledore wasn’t preoccupied by his absence.

“He’ll be fine…It’s just—” Sirius looked bleak. “I can’t go to Harry and he _needs_ me. I’m useless as a godfather… Molly was right about that.” I hadn’t seen Sirius look so depressed before. He usually carried himself in an upbeat way, but everyone was down once and a while. I wished Remus were there, knowing he was better at cheering Sirius up.

“You won’t be in hiding forever,” I said consolingly. “Once You-Know-Who is out in the public you’ll be able to go a free man. And I’m sure there are ways to communicate with Harry that wouldn’t compromise either of you.” Sirius looked at me with a dubious look. I had to admit, I didn’t quite believe that one either but I decided to plow on with my words of comfort. “Harry has good friends that will stick with him through thick and thin.”

Sirius did look a smidge cheerful after that. Then he took a good look at me. “Right then, now it’s your turn. What’s bothering you?” I pursed my lips slightly; feeling a bit upset that I was so transparent.

“It’s nothing,” I said not, wanting to spill my guts to Sirius. I didn’t think he’d understand but the look on Sirius’ face said he wouldn’t let this go. “Have you ever been with one person but wanted to be with another? Not in the sense that Person B is making you unhappy, but you’re only with them to fill the void of Person A?” Sirius stared at me for a few moments. “Never mind,” I said quickly.

Sirius held a hand up and said, “Yes, I know what that’s like. All I can really say is that you’re going down a dangerous and uncomfortable path. As you stay with Person B longer, you’ll start to have more reasons to stay with them and not go for the person you’re really pining for. You’ll start to feel guilty for your feelings for Person A. Even worse is the feeling of leading someone into a relationship where you’re only partly invested and the other person is there completely falling for you.”

Sirius finished with a look of regret and dived into a careful explanation of a relationship he had during Voldemort’s first rise to power that he started because the person he loved deserved better. It sounded as if Sirius was still hung up on the relationship but before I could ask for who these people were he looked at me and said, “So, who are your two people?”

I looked up, somewhat startled that he asked me. “I’m not going to tell you,” I said abruptly. I didn’t think he’d mind that I pined for Remus every night and wanted to lie in bed and run my fingers through his hair, but I didn’t think I could bear his reaction if he learned that my substitute was Mad-Eye Moody. “What do you think is the best way out of this?” I asked earnestly.

Sirius gave me an uncommonly penetrating stare. “Is this Person A someone you’d really want to be with, more than anyone else in the whole-wide world and you’d give up one relationship without knowing if there’d be a next just of the shot of trying this out?” He paused, “In short, do you love him?” I nodded my head. “Then it’s simple. End things with Person B. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t deserve to be drug through this and have his heart torn out, and you should level with Person A.”

I couldn’t believe what good advice Sirius gave, not being a very _serious_ person when it came to romance. I didn’t work the nerve up to break things off with Moody for a few weeks but he seemed to take it well when I did. I explained that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I felt that I wasn’t able to equal his devotion or commitment. Emphasizing that he was a great man, I told him that if things were different then, who knows. Moody hugged me tightly then told me, in a gruffer voice that usual, that he’d always be there to catch me when I tripped over myself. I left his house with a heavy feeling of having simultaneously having broken a man’s heart and gave him false hope. I was quite sure that my feelings for Moody were physical, whereas my devotion to Remus was, well love.

I decided to play the friend card with Remus, not wanting to jump at him with my avid devotion and scare him off. I managed to find my way over to where he worked more often. I mean, we were still pseudo-dating so I had a perfectly good excuse. He seemed to notice the renewed attention from me and, from what I could tell, enjoyed it but just as a friend, of course. I was relieved that Moody didn’t start to go down the Dawlish road after we stopped seeing each other. Things went to how they were before, except for barely detectable sadness in his normal eye.

In the first part of October, when the full moon reached its height in the sky, I made my trip over to Remus’ house. The house was dark as usual. I entered without knocking. “Remus, it’s me,” I said into the darkness. I lit my wand. He came in from the other room. I scratched his head behind his ears as he liked that the best. Remus, showing uncharacteristic enthusiasm, jumped up and licked my face which caused me to snort with laughter.

I took out Remus’ dinner and sat down with him on his couch before laying out some sandwiches for myself and a large, raw steak for Remus. While Remus’ appetite changed quite a bit while he was transformed, it was obvious he kept his mind. After chowing down a raw steak, he would go and wipe his snout on a towel in the bathroom. It always made me smile.

I wasn’t sure what about it he liked, but Remus always listened to me go on in a long monologue about my life. He seemed to find my ‘time at Hogwarts’ stories amusing. I had him all the way through N.E.W.T. level. It was easy to be an open book with Remus; I even told him about my first kiss. “It was so embarrassing,” I said, clasping my hand to my forehead. “Hector Smith and I were dared to kiss. It was more like he was dared to eat my face,” I laughed. “Not too many men are _really_ good kissers. I think I’ve had four _really_ good kisses. Well, five,” I said decisively.

Remus sat up a bit and cocked his head at me. His interest was piqued, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that kisses in which the kissee pulled away could not be added to my list. That, and it would be slightly revealing to say that Alastor Moody was the number five. I knew Remus and I weren’t dating when I was with Moody, but it still had felt unfaithful.

I tried to cover the awkward silence with a loud yawn. Remus led me into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, pulling the covers back for me. I saw him watching me undress that time which I didn’t mind. It was nice to see him ease up around me. Getting into bed I said, “You really should sleep under the covers,” with a sign of exasperation.

Remus did the same routine each time we were together. He’d start off on top of the duvet, then when then the moon set he’d crawl under. Remus got under the covers with me. His fur was more like a wool blanket than anything, but I didn’t want to say anything about it. “You’re better in bed than Elvis,” I said with a laugh.

In the morning, as sure as the sunrise, Remus was nude. His thinness did worry me at times but I couldn’t deny how handsome he was. Delicately built, he still carried quite a bit of strength in his frame. I curled up next to him; he was sprawled out on the bed but his chest made a good pillow. Remus slowly opened his eyes and smiled. He seemed to give up his phobia of being seen in the buff. “How are you feeling?” I asked, looking into his eyes.

 “Better than usual,” he said. “Having you here… it makes waking up easier.” I smiled, counting this as progress in destructing the ‘just friends’ barrier – which seemed tougher to take down than the Berlin Wall. “Nymphadora,” I huffed at the use of my first name. Remus laughed, “I can’t have you in my bed _and_ call you by your surname.” He kissed my forehead. “You have no idea how much you being here helps me. It makes me feel more… more human when I transform.” Remus pulled me close and held me. I let out a sigh of relief at avoid another ‘we can’t do this, blah blah blah’ spiel.

“I would do anything for you. I always want to be your friend, Remus,” I said, immediately thinking that one day soon I’d like to be more, but failed to voice that thought. My hand was idly rubbing Remus’ back, then without really thinking I ran my hand down his side and up his abdomen. His body quivered slightly and he let out a quiet moan. I knew I was crossing into dangerous territory so I decided to hold off on the touching. Remus was still likely to give me that dreaded lecture. Again. I got out of bed to avoid the temptation to smother him right then and there with kisses and sexergy.

”Do you want to go out with me on Friday?” Remus asked tentatively. I was changing and I looked over my shoulders at him. He looked oddly nervous about asking out a woman who slept in his bed on a semi-regular basis.

I smiled, turning around. I was careful to hold my t-shirt to my chest. “You mean on a date?” I clarified, raising an eyebrow.

”As a friend-date,” he said stubbornly. Anymore, it seemed that the friend status was just to keep his conscious clear. I repressed a laugh thinking of the day when we’d start having friend-sex or a friend-apartment together.

”I can’t Friday. I have Duty. How’s your Saturday?” I asked, finally pulling my shirt on. Remus got up and started to dress. I let my eyes linger on him this time as he did the same just the night before.

“Saturday sounds great. Let’s meet in Leaky Cauldron. Does seven sound good?” I nodded, pulling my pants on and tripping over them onto the bed with a loud “aah!” Remus came over to help me up. He extended his hand and I took it, pulling harder than I should have, which caused him to topple on top of me.

“That’s it, I quit for today,” I announced. “I’m just staying here.” I took in Remus’ face. He looked tired and very peaky but he smiled at me.

”I think you’re doing just fine,” Remus said in his raspy voice. He seemed to realize that he crossed a friend barrier; he got up quickly and said he would make breakfast. I couldn’t remember ever being so for a date. I hoped that it would be something to remember.


End file.
